I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Randomize
