when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
