You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
We had sex on a dog bed..
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
