I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
