I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
