Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
