saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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