I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
