so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize