my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
