I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
