At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
