i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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