You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
