id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
