I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
