Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
