omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
don't judge my taste in strippers
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
