Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
My day in three words: secret purse cake
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
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