Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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