Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
