If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
