Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
well I can't set my house on fire every night
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
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