Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
