We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
