I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
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You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
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All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
His nipple licking is glorious
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