Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
