I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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