my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
