Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
