I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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