The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
