census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
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I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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