1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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