I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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