when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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