I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
