I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
this hospital has no fireball
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
