I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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