Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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