It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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