If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
