My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
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