I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Randomize
