When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
