Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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