I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
