im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
