but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
