why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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