The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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