i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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