Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Randomize
