two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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