I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
