Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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