Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
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