im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
