How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
