dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
